Coming from a family where I was surrounded by cousins and great aunts and uncles, and great uncles, and more cousins, and grandpas and grandmas and more cousins, I have always found a family heritage to be important. In college, I had a friend whose father was an only child and whose mother was an only child, therefore, she had no aunts or uncles. I couldn’t comprehend the thought! I kept trying to find her cousins somewhere in the family tree. So that is why when the Bulgesses stopped by today, we were very happy to meet them and their extended family. And this is how it happened.
It just so happened that when the sun got as hot as the backside of a pair of tanned britches, and the fly paper was so sticky it was sucking in wasps that we heared a knocking at our door. Now Scout – n – me, we was a busy a puttin up strawlberries for the men folk and we had nigh stood on our flapjacks as long as was too much. So when we heared the knocking on the door, I said, “I was a fixing upon taking an “off yer feet” for a spell, why don’t-cha invite whosoever that is in.
Now it ‘peers that the a-knocking was a-coming from the front door, so we knowed that it weren’t family. So I stretched to straighten out my kinked back, shuffled my flapjacks into some shoez, added a clean apron, and spit on my hand to smooooooth down Scout’s hair-lick. “Scout,” I sez, “I’m a in the mood da do some killing time. Bring up some of dat ’91 Root Beer. Scout she sez, “yes’m,” and she scattled out of that kitchen like a turkey a day bafore Thanksgivin time. I made for tha front door and sed, “I’z a-commin. Stop your bang’n afore the termites shake loose from a-tween the mortar an the porch fall into the yard!”
Weeeeeeeeeeeeelll, the shakin stopped en I heared a “Yes’m!” I sed, “The Lawd be praised here-z a Suthuner!” So I kicked ole Boot out-a the wayframe, an sed, “Come in and take an “off yer feet” fur a-spell. An that is how I’s met the entire Bulgesses Family. They wuz a-cuming up fer a family do-dad as it was Great Grandma Bulgesses 96th burthday, en she said, “I reckin on a-going ta see them Great Falls in Niagra.” They had-a gotten turned round both ways at tha border as it ‘pears that neither country really wanted dem. Finally, sum border guard sed, put-um back in DEE-troit, they take on anyone thar. So here they’s were, an here’s they gonna stay until thayz-a flapjacks get-a itch’n da move down to da red dirt, turpentine pineys, pee-cans, and pee-ches of Gee-or-gha.
Now folks we has-a fancy new fangled cam-a-rah, so-as ta take pitcher of folks. We set up a backsplash an photo-took them all. ‘Twas a bigg-n clan, but we done it. Yep. Ever last uncle, an aunt, an cousin, an relative, an such. They ’twas such-a fine lookin bunch that I’s sed ta Scout, “Scout-girl, let’s-a post them pitchers up on that there blog o mine.” An Scout sed, “Yes’m”, en then she slip off quick–like a lawyer just leave-n the “U owe Me” bill.
So folks. Here dey be.
Here be Great Uncle Scarface. He once upon a time had him a-differnt name, but dat be so long a-go dat ta coons long since lost tha smell. Old Unc Scarface boast that he gave ol General Lee such a nasty scare one night when General Lee saw him in his long red underware that that be tha reason the South lost tha war.
Here be a pretty young thing. She be bout perfect. She never say-a thang.
Dis here be Great Aunt Pucker-Up. She be so fixed on a-kissin dat even da Turkey Buzzards leave her be.
Dis here be Great Grandma Bulgesses herself. Why she even put in her “falsies” fur da pitcher. Old Unc Scarface sed she ain’t-a put dem in since dat Ole Blue mis-took’em fur a bone. And no-body, I mean no-body gonna blame Great Grandma Bulgesses fer not wear’n dem after dat.
Dis here be Uncle Hobart. Hobart he spend sum time in da Marines in da Tahiti-beeti Islands. Da sun be so hot there dat his brain get soft-boiled. Uncle Hobart think he be style’n in his hair-do, but nobody say nothin cauz he be soft-boiled an all.
Dis here be some Great Cousin somethin’ or another. She gummed her ‘tater -n- never say more-n “mmm–hhhm.” I never be learn’n her name.
Dis here be Little Joeshefus Kendle Reighly Jackson Sumpter Bulgesses. His name be as long as his wail. Why he wail so long da corn shoot up an octave. His pie hole be always a makin a howl.
Dis here be Bo-Jackson Punk. His “excited – n – a-lovin’ it” smile ‘pears to be mighty similar to his “I be a-die’n with boredom” smile. He ‘peared to look on everything like a possum play’n dead. And he might-a been.
Dis here be Aunt Bessy-Bee. She be a sweet thang. She be – help’n everywhich body, an a-work’n in da kitchen, an -clean’n, an a sing’n. She be blessed with tha Bulgesses nose.
Dis here be Bessy-Bea’s sister. She be a lil strawberry tart. Dey don’t come pertier den dat. Look at them bright eyes. They be-a sparking.
An dat dere be de whole family. Da whole Bulgesses Clan. Dey be a sweet lot.
Dey be so sweet, dat dey be gone now. Dey went down south. Dey jest up-n whirled away in a pink streak. They git so fast dat they be a toenail away frum next week. But my they be a sweet bunch. Sweet as moe-lassy on pone-bread. Sweeter dan kisses frum Effie Lou. Dem be so sweet dat I most nigh fell off-n my flapjacks frum pure DEE-light.
Dat be all, now.
Ya’ll come back. Don’t leave me. Ya’ll see if all dat southerness leave me ta-morrow-y.
Ya’ll be much loved by me.
Ya’ll be most like ma next-of-kin.
Ya’ll be such close kin dat I can smell-ya.
P.S. I started to run the spell check, but it crashed my computer.
P.S.S. You know that “translate” button on your new Google toolbar? I wonder what this post would look like in Vietnamese?