“Don’t lick the hot tub wall.” calmly said a mother in the hot tub to her kid.
Lily and I giggled. We giggled because I bet that mother when she was in college studying for her Masters in International Communications had no idea that some day she would ever say a sentence like, “Don’t lick the hot tub wall.” Really. She had no idea.
And neither did I. I had no idea of some of the most random and obvious and unbelievable sentences I would utter during Mommihood.
Every once in a while I hear this statement about kids, “I wish they came with a manual.” My idea is to begin to write that manual for parenting. You know, all the Rules For Kids and Parents that you never find in any book. Sentences that perhaps no one but a parent has ever uttered. Rules like, “Don’t lick the hot tub wall.” Practical stuff. Useful rules for kids. A quick reference guide.
And I hate to admit this, but since I know you won’t share it with anyone, with the exception of Rule #3 (which is a sentence my own mother said to me), I have uttered all of these rules. And I have only been a parent for eleven years. And I have a 1 year old, so more is coming my way.
Rules For Kids Not Generally Covered in Other Handbooks.
1. Do not lick the wall of the hot tub.
2. Do not scrub the sink with your tooth brush–especially at a hotel.
3. Do not baptize your doll in the toilet.
4. No matter how many vitamins are listed on the package, dog food still isn’t edible.
5. Please limit yourself to 5 donuts.
6. Underwear isn’t a hat.
7. Pee on the maple tree, not on my tomato plants.
8. A frog kept in the mailbox will die of heat stroke before it will jump out and scare the mailman.
9. Next time you find a nest of baby mice, please kill them instead of carrying them around in the baby stroller all day.
10. Don’t drink the water from the whiskey barrel.
11. If he poops in the tub, yell for daddy.
12. If the phone rings before 9 o’clock, don’t answer it. If you do answer it, do not say that Mommi is still in bed.
13. I don’t think we need to tell daddy that we ate at McDonald’s again.
14. Cold cereal is ” home cooked food.” If anyone asks at soccer practice tonight, you can just say that you had home cooked food for supper– you don’t need to bore people with the details.
15. Next year at your piano recital, please don’t tell everyone that you threw up last night.
I am sure that this list of Rules isn’t anywhere near complete. Please help all future parents (and current parents) by adding a Rule in the comment section.
Can’t wait to hear your entries,