“Don’t lick the hot tub wall.” calmly said a mother in the hot tub to her kid.
Lily and I giggled. We giggled because I bet that mother when she was in college studying for her Masters in International Communications had no idea that some day she would ever say a sentence like, “Don’t lick the hot tub wall.” Really. She had no idea.
And neither did I. I had no idea of some of the most random and obvious and unbelievable sentences I would utter during Mommihood.
Every once in a while I hear this statement about kids, “I wish they came with a manual.” My idea is to begin to write that manual for parenting. You know, all the Rules For Kids and Parents that you never find in any book. Sentences that perhaps no one but a parent has ever uttered. Rules like, “Don’t lick the hot tub wall.” Practical stuff. Useful rules for kids. A quick reference guide.
And I hate to admit this, but since I know you won’t share it with anyone, with the exception of Rule #3 (which is a sentence my own mother said to me), I have uttered all of these rules. And I have only been a parent for eleven years. And I have a 1 year old, so more is coming my way.
Rules For Kids Not Generally Covered in Other Handbooks.
1. Do not lick the wall of the hot tub.
2. Do not scrub the sink with your tooth brush–especially at a hotel.
3. Do not baptize your doll in the toilet.
4. No matter how many vitamins are listed on the package, dog food still isn’t edible.
5. Please limit yourself to 5 donuts.
6. Underwear isn’t a hat.
7. Pee on the maple tree, not on my tomato plants.
8. A frog kept in the mailbox will die of heat stroke before it will jump out and scare the mailman.
9. Next time you find a nest of baby mice, please kill them instead of carrying them around in the baby stroller all day.
10. Don’t drink the water from the whiskey barrel.
11. If he poops in the tub, yell for daddy.
12. If the phone rings before 9 o’clock, don’t answer it. If you do answer it, do not say that Mommi is still in bed.
13. I don’t think we need to tell daddy that we ate at McDonald’s again.
14. Cold cereal is ” home cooked food.” If anyone asks at soccer practice tonight, you can just say that you had home cooked food for supper– you don’t need to bore people with the details.
15. Next year at your piano recital, please don’t tell everyone that you threw up last night.
I am sure that this list of Rules isn’t anywhere near complete. Please help all future parents (and current parents) by adding a Rule in the comment section.
Can’t wait to hear your entries,
— rinsing your hair when you shower doesn’t constitute washing it, please use soap from now on.
— no, you’re not old enough for a Luger
— just because there is always space between molecules does NOT mean you’re not actually touching your brother.
— you don’t melt chocolate chips by putting them in the toaster oven at 400 degrees
— next time pee between the cars, not on them
too good. too funny. all my belly fat is jiggling with giggling.
Hehe, I was literally crying I was laughing so hard, but Nora started begging me to stop and looked pretty worried at my behavior : )
~”Please stop drinking water out of the clogged drain. This is a public swimming pool shower.”
~”Just a minute! We’ll leave when I’m finished picking up all the poop your sister just unloaded in the middle of this parking spot.”
~”Well actually, you won’t be able to have a bad attitude in heaven…even if you want to!”
I LOVE the last one!! too funny, my side can’t handle all the stiches.
1. If you throw up during the night, WAKE ME up. Especially if it’s on the carpet.
2. Don’t “save” your ice cream cone in the car while we’re at the store.
3. Don’t make rope swings that look like nooses.
4. Don’t ask your friend’s dad why he is so short.
5. Don’t throw frogs.
Boys and ropes. Boys and sticks. Boys can turn anything into a weapon. And frogs. Boys and frogs. . . At least my kiddos don’t like snakes!!!
Haha! This was a great thing to read this morning. I’ve only yet had a half a cup of coffee so I’m not sure all cylinders are firing but I’ll try to remember some. The “don’t pee on the (insert object of incident), pee on the (insert less disasterous object of choice)” ones really resonate with me. As well as things like ” don’t pull your baby sister around by hair, arm, leg, shirt…”. “Don’t sit on your sister’s head”. “We don’t lick each others’ bottoms in the tub. In fact, just don’t lick each other–I don’t care WHAT animals you are pretending to be.”. “Stop using your shirt to push your tongue up to your nose to wipe your nose with your tongue.”. And I can’t wait for your book. Lisa Buchanan really needs to answer this one too. 🙂
Bathtubs. . .they bring out the craziest behaviour!!! Coffee or no, I’m not sure that I am ever firing on all my cylinders. Perhaps that is better. If I really knew what was going on, I might go back to bed and never get up again.
We don’t climb out of windows onto slippery, snowy roofs in flip-flops for lego’s. We just don’t do that.
We don’t throw lego’s out of windows.
I know there’s more but I try to block them out. Let me keep thinking. Great book idea! You could be rich soon when it becomes a best seller and then you can buy a permanent, beautiful, warm home in Florida! I’ll come visit you!